Crapulence and Other Thoughts

Teen Witch is the Funniest Movie Ever

2005-11-06T00:33:00.000-08:00

So I haven't blogged in over two months and the event that made me come out of my blogging coma was 'Teen Witch'. I don't believe that there is a better movie to make fun of with cool friends. Trish, Lisa & Carrie...you all would be brillant at making fun of this 80's treasure! Ryan, Carl & Tina nearly made me wet myself...and the following is for them (sorry to be exclusive) * wear a condom--at all times!
* you can probably see it over her sweatpants
* most popular girl--here it is in the ancient spellbook
* it probably has a little hat
* the 'rap' with the gayest men on earth

Honestly, I could go on and on about this gem, but you really need to watch it with funny friends and make jokes all through the movie. I keep having giggle flashbacks where I just start laughing thinking about the jokes from earlier this night...did you ever have giggle flashbacks when you just start laughing in some totally inappropriate setting with people that won't get the joke even if you explain it to them and they'll just think that you're crazy? Obviously, this has happened to me many times...

OH MY GOD! For those of you that read my rant regarding R. Kelly's piece of shit saga 'Stuck in the Closet' (or whatever the hell it's called) they are playing a special regarding this piece of crap on VH-1 with interviews from people who were in the video. Also, for those of you that don't know...he released parts 6-8 because parts 1-5 obviously were not enough to torture the American public. I truly hope that he goes to jail for a very long time. I don't care whether or not he is guilty of the charges against him, but he should really be punished for putting out this steaming turd into the world.

Alrighty then. I'm starting to ramble, but I love you all and appreciate anyone that is still even bothering to check this blog as my entries have been sketchy at best.

My Birthday Was Scrumtrulescent!

2005-08-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

My apologies for being a lazy-ass and not posting for a month. Sometimes, I suck. However, my birthday did not suck. And for this I am delighted. I was none too thrilled about turning 29, but I threw a little birthday party and found that turning 29 surrounded by people I love made it awesome! Thank you sooooooo much to everyone that was there for being such awesome friends (and family). I got a little tipsy and you all were there to support me and to make the night extremely fun. I'm one lucky girl! I also appreciate the love that came over phone lines & through the mail from those that live out of Arizona. One word-punny. (Wow I kind of scanned back over this and realize that I sound like a tweeny from 1991, but it's already written and I'm too lazy to edit now.)

Alright, I'm going on a cruise a week from today...I can't believe it's actually here. Lots of exciting craziness going on right now! Oh, I'm also watching Oscar, Tina & Carl's adorable chihuahua (sp?) this weekend. He's so sweet and it will be nice to have a little puppy around for a bit. Right now I'm just procrastinating cause I need to go out and run some errands but all I feel like doing is watching 50 Most Awesomely Bad Videos on VH-1 (despite the fact that I've seen it more than once before). I guess turning 29 has not provided with me any additional knowledge or ambition...it did however, provide me with enough delicious cake & brownies to make a sugar addict weep with joy. :)

Is Macy's Fucking Kidding with Their Bullshit Meetings?

2005-07-28T23:29:00.000-07:00

There are many parts of my job that I enjoy. I work for Shiseido at the Macy's Biltmore. I love my co-workers and I really enjoy my customers, however, I think I fucking hate Macy's in general. This may be a bit more pronounced than usual because I have had to suffer through 4 morning meetings this week and I have another one to look forward to on Saturday and yet another one on Sunday. Every morning we have this lovely 'pep rally' and all it makes me think is that I'd like to a. go postal or b. vomit on our store manager as they spew bullshit at us.

Unless there's something new is there really a need for a meeting EVERY morning??? Pretty much they tell us how much money we made yesterday compared to plan (which is actually pretty annoying as their idea of a raise is generally in the vicinity of 20 cents an hour...I don't want to hear about the thousands of dollars we are up every day when they don't pay any of us enough to live comfortably). Then they drone on about how great we all are, but then bitch us out for clustering and not helping customers. It's 110 degrees outside and the Biltmore is a fucking outdoor mall...there are approximately 20 customers in the store the entire day and I can guarantee that they aren't ignored. Then they tell us how important it is to open instant credits. I've have heard the same speeches and fake cheerfulness for about a year and a half...it would be kinder if they just physically whipped us once a week or something.

I watched part of 'Office Space' this week and was saddened to see the incredible similarities between the hell that is portrayed in 'Office Space' and the hell that is caused by Macy's in my daily life. For the love of God, please let the useless meetings stop!

Dancing in Remote Parking Lots in Iowa

2005-07-22T01:30:00.000-07:00

Carrie's response to my last blog inspired me to share with you all a tale of dancing, silliness and perhaps the 'Cold Song'. When I was a Freshman (does that need to be capitalized?) at the University of Iowa I had to park my car in remote parking. At that point this was not that big a deal cause I mostly had it at school so that I could drive myself home on breaks. Carrie was kind enough to take the CamBus with me to go retrieve my car (I'm assuming it was for a trip home, but maybe we just wanted to go somewhere). Anyway, it was probably after 10 pm and the parking lot looked completely deserted. We were probably hopped up on Mountain Dew (me...those of you that know me now may be surprised and shocked at my Freshman year addiction to Mountain Dew, used to stay up late for studying and goofing off...you can guess which one happened more frequently) and Pepsi (Carrie...who was in a constant state of Pepsi-high...I think she would have had it injected intraveinously (sp?) if possible) and feeling king of silly. We decided to leap, prance and dance through the apparently deserted parking lot. We did this for probably about 10 minutes and one of us commented how embarassed we would be if someone had seen us and then continued to dance...within about 2 minutes a security guard came out of his booth having obviously witnessed our complete craziness to check that we were OK. He probably thought that we were on drugs or just wanted to smirk at us cause he caught us acting like complete idiots. However, it was such a moment of unrelenting joy and fun that I really don't care that he saw us. I wouldn't change a moment of our carefree cavorting.

Now, having my car at Iowa also caused some problems. The following year I was still at the dorms but wanted to have transportation available, especially cause I had stopped eating the disgusting dorm food as it literally made me ill everytime I dared to consume it. The remote parking lot was at least a 20 minute bus ride, so I decided to keep my car on the streets near campus. However, the assholes in Iowa City insisted that you park your car on different sides of the street every day...street sweeping or some bullshit like that. Carrie was sweet enough to come with me every night so that I could switch my car to the other side of the street. As you can imagine, this was a HUGE pain in the ass (although I got pretty damn good at parallel parking that year...don't ask me to do it now, those skills have faded into the sunset). Anyway, one particularly cold, dark, snowy winter night Carrie and I trudged along so I could move my damn car. Since Carrie was nice enough to come with me, I insisted that she wait in the car with the heater on while I de-iced my car. So I was outside digging snow out from around my tires and trying to scrape the ice off of my windshield so that I could move my little Mazda 626. I was freezing my fucking ass off and not very thrilled about the situation...and then I heard Carrie singing. She was singing a little song she created about how cold she was (as she was sitting in the car with the heater on, this did not sit well with me). I slammed the ice-scraper against my windshield and apparently gave Carrie a look that clearly said I wished to strangle her. I have forbidden her to sing that song ever again when I am in the vicinity. I know that she was being nice by going with me, but the bitch in me came out and simply could not handle her singing about how cold she was when the wind was cutting though me, turning my fingers numb and freezing tears in my eyes. This happened about 10 years ago, and I still won't let her sing that little diddy anywhere near me. I guess I'm not a forgive and forget sort of girl.

So You Think You Can Dance

2005-07-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

Last night I was watching 'So You Think You Can Dance' on Fox. Pathetic, I know, but it looks like the beginning auditions will provide some cheap laughs at least. Obviously, it is a complete ripoff of 'American Idol' down to the English guy who is direct and kind of an asshole.

I just love watching people making complete asses of themselves, especially when they have no talent and insist that the judges are crazy. Where do these people get this over-confidence? Do their parents just constantly tell them that everything that they do is perfection? Is that how Paris Hilton came to be the person that she is today? Anyway, this one chick did her impersonation of locking and mostly looked liked a bad imitation of Rerun from 'What's Happening?' and then she mouthed off to the judges when they didn't advance her to the next round. Then there was a guy that was an extremely talented dancer, but he mixed ballet with the weird Olympic-style dance with the long banner and was offended when the English guy didn't think that part of the dance was appropriate for a guy. (This guy is probably one of the most flaming gay guys I have ever seen). He was moved on to the next round and when he didn't get to make it to Hollywood cause his dancing was not masculine enough, he threw a hissy-fit, and then struck a number of Madonna-like positions from the 'Vogue' video and was shocked when the judges didn't think he looked manly enough doing the poses. Do these people have zero self-awareness??? I wonder if when they watch the tapes of these things if they see that the judges are dead-on in their evaluations and not jealous of them or something. These people are crazy freaks (which is why I think that the show will be entertaining). There are actually some very good dancers out there who were entertaining to watch because of their talent, but man, the rest of those freaks were crazy!

Summertime Blues

2005-07-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's just me, but the continual oven-like heat we are experiencing seems to be sapping me of all energy. I feel extremely lethargic and am finding my tolerance to be lower as the temperatures rise. I work a retail job at The Biltmore (for those of you that don't know, it is an outdoor mall). Now, I probably wouldn't make the trek to shop at an outdoor mall in the summer cause my mother didn't raise an idiot, but I resent the lack of customers in the store and the subsequent boredom that I am forced to endure. I, like Gloria Gaynor, will survive, but I'm hoping that the days will be filled with more customers and less standing around and cleaning my counter over and over again.

This is my 6th summer here in Phoenix and I don't remember it being a huge problem before, but perhaps I am repressing memories of summers past and making them better and cooler than they were. I was even hot at a movie theater a few days ago...aren't they supposed to be cold enough to cause your nipples to cut glass? I feel extremely mislead by movie theaters in general. I did however, still enjoy 'The Wedding Crashers' I found it to be very funny, but it is pretty graphic at some points...I'm not a prude, but they caught me by surprise, so don't say you weren't warned.

The good thing about summer is that popsicles taste better and I feel justified drinking about a gallon of iced tea at lunch. Ah, a light at the end of every tunnel. Hmmm, didn't realize I was feeling upbeat, what a surprise!

Once Again, My Pathetic Addiction to 'Reality TV' is Showing

2005-07-01T01:39:00.000-07:00

Right now, I am so obsessed with 'Kept' on VH1. For those of you that don't know the premise of this particular gem...Jerri Hall is basically looking for a man to be her bitch. If anyone watches the show and has not seen the last 2 episodes and does not want to know who was eliminated...then you must stop reading this blog right now.

For the rest of you: there are many guys on this show and each week one is eliminated by Jerri's assistant (who is obviously an extremely attractive woman but constantly wears her hair up and glasses as if she's playing the role of the sexy librarian...every week I expect her to whip off her glasses and take down her hair and hit on the one of the guys to test them). Anyway, there were 2 guys on the show that should have been eliminated right away because they are 2 of the biggest losers I have ever seen. They are both totally obsessed with themselves and how hot they think they are...they are also both extremely stupid. Their names are Ricardo and Slavco (which is reason enough for them to be eliminated). Last week the challenge for the kept men was that they took dancing lessons and had to attend a costume ball with Jerri and her friends. Each of the men had to do an individual dance and Ricardo decided that instead of just dancing that he would strip off most of his clothes which was obviously appropriate at what would be deemed a black-tie affair. What a fucking putz! When he was eliminated last week I literally cheered out loud despite the fact that I was home alone. (I understand that I'm a big fucking loser too, but this jackass was so into himself that his head was no longer fitting on my TV screen).

This week the men had to take cooking classes from a master and then prepare a dinner party for Jerri and her friends. Slavco was eliminated basically for being self-absorbed idiot. Everytime he commented on what was going on to the camera he made a grammar mistake that made my ears hurt.

Now here's something odd...Jerri has a cross between a snobby British accent and a Texas twang. Very disturbing.

Please don't judge me for my need to watch reality TV...I don't know why I feel compelled to watch/comment on this crap, I just do.

Don't You Hate it When...

2005-06-28T20:21:00.000-07:00

My best friend Carrie left me a voicemail about she apparently has some weird disease that whenever she is bitching about a co-worker to the receptionist, the person she is bitching about will invariably come up right behind her. I hate when this happens! The easy thing would be to stop gossiping about people, but I really don't see this as a reality. Whenever someone catches me talking about them I'm usually lucky enough to spot them first, but then you have the awkward...'How 'bout them Bears?' sort of pause and you know that they know that you were talking about them.

My friend Brian has this disease but it seems to be amplified. On occasion he has used hand gestures and spoke as if he were deaf (don't judge, many of you have done this too). One time he was caught doing it and you think that would stop him from doing it in public forever, but apparently...not so much. The second time that he did it, he was in a bowling alley and while performing this act of non-pc behavior he realized that there was a deaf bowling team behind him who were furiously signing to each other regarding his little performance. He really is a wonderful person so please don't hate him just because of this blog.

Another thing that I hate is loud-talkers. There is this one co-worker of mine that has a loud, whiny, can't-control-the-volume voice and hearing him makes me want to take his head and slam it into the breakroom vending machines repeatedly. His voice would be comparable to Fran Drescher's on 'The Nanny'. He also feels the need to barge into everyone else's conversations and voice his stupid, boring, uneducated opinions on everything under the sun. I also re-discovered today that not only is he a loud talker, but he is a loud eater. I literally got up and left today because hearing him make disgusting smacking sounds while consuming Hostess cupcakes made my stomach turn. I'm sure that I should really be more forgiving, but something about this man makes me want to perform violent acts or slap duct tape over his mouth so that the rest of us can watch 'Family Feud' in peace. Hey, loudtalkers...learn from the rest of us and modulate the volume of your voice, it's not that fucking difficult!!!

I'm Back (Not Unlike the Backstreet Boys)

2005-06-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I've gone through the entire month of June without blogging. My apologies to my friends that enjoy or at least read my ramblings.

And speaking of ramblings...I must comment on an unbelievably ridiculous song by R Kelly (is it R Kelly or Art Kelly?) There's a new song by him which is a narrative of him cheating on his wife and he ends up in the closet and he's singing about being in the closet and his cell phone rings and will this woman's husband find him in the fucking closet...pretty much it's a story of him being a sleazebag and this is only part 1 of 5. 5 parts to this damn piece of crap!!!! Worse thing is, the stupid song gets in my head and makes me want to go to the damn closet and repeatedly beat him.

Let's see other than the damn closet song I'm trying to think if there's anything new and exciting going on...sadly, not so much. I am watching Family Guy though and it's one of the newer episodes and Peter gets into another fight with the giant chicken...very enjoyable, good times...good times.

Back in Your Box

2005-05-10T23:21:00.000-07:00

Those of you that know me realize that I'm kind of an indoor type of girl. You will not find me enjoying camping (no indoor plumbing and I will not be attending!) Anyway, one day in college I proposed that my best friend (who is an outdoor girl) and I go out the The Res (a nice wooded area with a resevoir in Iowa) and hang out. We arrivedn and started walking down one of the paths and within approximately 30 seconds I turned toward Carrie and she had a look of sheer horror on her face. I asked her what was going on and she talked to me as if I was a nervous rabid animal and suggested going back to the car. We quickly returned to the car and the look of terror remained and she explained to me that around my head was apparently a 'bug afro', several hundred (or thousand...I have no idea) gnats were swarming my head and forming a giant afro composed entirely of insects. (Thank you fucking Herbal Essences shampoo!) As I am prone to detesting 6-legged creatures and to freaking out this news was not the best news I had ever received. We had a citronella candle in the car and we lit it and were waving it above my head (and looking completely crazy to any passerbys cause they were the kind of bugs that you couldn't see unless you were extremely close). Anyway, we waved the lit candle over my head and even tried to rest it on my head to no avail. We quickly got into the car and drove home, but I always feel like whenever I try to do something out of the norm for me, the gods are laughing and cracking a whip to get me back into my box. This is not the only time that trying something out of character has led to something humilating, but this one stays in my mind as my favorite. Good times, good times. :)

Basement Memories

2005-04-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

Lisa and Trish inspired me to write about the basements of the houses that I grew up in.

My first basement memory is of the house we lived in on Long Island when I was 3. My parents had company over and my sister and I and the son of my parents guests were playing in the basement. I think that my sister and the guest kid were painting and I was riding my tricycle around (our basement had a cement floor). For some reason I decided to ride the tricycle around a rectangular picnic table that was in the basement and one of my wheels caught on the corner of the table and I went flying chin first into the cold, concrete floor. Apparently, there was blood everywhere and my sister went to report the news (somewhat hysterically) to my parents and their guests. My dad and his friend drove me to the hospital where I received several stitches to put my chin back together again. I do remember that the doctor that gave me my stitches blew up a surgical glove and drew a face on it...I think I kept that thing for years.

The second basement that I remember was in our first house in Illinois...that basement seemed huge. We had an area with an old stereo where I used to play Dance Party USA pretty frequently, but I played all by myself and used to dress up in old random wigs and musty smelling clothes that once belonged to my dad I think. We also had a ping-pong table which was used almost constantly as a Play-Doh creation station. there was also a weird storage area that was like a cubby hole but it started at the ceiling and only went about a 1/3 of the way down the wall...we may have stored luggage there but I don't think I liked going near it. The oddest thing about the basement was that it could be locked from the outside door and my sister took great delight in locking me in from time to time, but then undoing the lock before my parents came to investigate so that I looked crazy.

The third basement was the shiznit. In our second house in Illinois my parents decided to redo the basement at some point. This was a gift from the gods for me and my high school friends to enjoy. I think at least one night of every weekend of my Junior and Senior years was spent with friends in that basement. There was a wet bar (which we actually didn't use...I didn't drink until college and even then, not that much actually), a bathroom, a giant leather couch and kickass entertainment system, a game table and even a full sized fridge so that we never had to go upstairs for pop. We played spin the turkey baster (sadly I couldn't find a bottle) and once we snuck out and rented a porn and came back to my place to watch it...it was my first viewing of a porn movie and it was called "Jungle Beaver", truly, a movie classic. (That's right Spike Lee, your movie has a porno counterpart...deal with it). Mostly, we just hung out and played board games and watched movies, but I truly loved that basement. Good times, good times!

Taking Laziness to New Levels

2005-04-20T11:02:00.000-07:00

I am so unbelievably lame...I'm feeling too lazy to shower. I have to run errands (like food shopping cause there is literally nothing in my fridge that is edible) and I can't even get up off my lazy ass to cleanse myself. I also have to clean my place cause I'm dogsitting starting tomorrow night and if I leave my clothes on the floor, they will be stolen and gnawed by a very cute cockapoo. This is also an activity for which I'm feeling less than motivated...cleaning is the bane of my existence...I really like things neat and clean...I just hate having to put in the energy to do it.

Also, as most of you living in Arizona know, allergy season has hit us with a vengeance. I am delighted to be walking around with my eyes watering, a need to clear my throat every 3 seconds, and the ability to breathe out of one nostril. Delightful (said like James Lipton kissing up to some celebrity on Inside the Actors Studio). I took a couple of allergy pills an hour ago and all they are doing is taunting me cause they're obviously not working, but now I can't take anything else for six hours. Damn you allergy medication!!! Alright, I'll stop Bitchfest 2005 (ooh, I want to rename Lilith Fair so that it will be caused Bitchfest and the pseudo-political chicks there can get all offended and talk about how we let men control us...etc.) Anyway, I hope that you all have more motivation than I do and less allergies.

Who Would You Do?

2005-04-13T23:03:00.000-07:00

Have you ever looked at your bookshelves in wonder as if someone else had made the selections and put them on your shelves for you to discover? Obviously, that just happened to me and I realized that I have a shitload of books that I don't remember at all. I don't remember buying them (many could have been gifts), but more disturbing than that: I don't remember reading them. I will readily admit that I don't remember every book I ever read, but I usually have some sort of recollection of what the book is about. For instance, I have a book called 'Who Would You Do?' it certainly could have been a gift and I find it amusing, but it suddenly seemed like a surprise when looking at my books. Perhaps this is a sign to let go of some of my books to make room for others, but I feel like a traitor when I get rid of books. Sorry friend, you weren't entertaining enough so I'll be writing you out of my life. Maybe I'm giving my books a little too much personality, but someone took the time to write them and I feel guilty when I don't really like a book. I realize it is not my fault that some writers happen to suck ass, but I have some sort of mental block letting books go. I know, I'm a weirdo, but such is life. I'm still recovering from a weekend of extremely little sleep so I may read this at a later date and think I'm an overdramatic asshole...perhaps I think that now, but I put the effort into writing this crappy entry so you, dear reader, will read every word I have to write. (Think of Adam Sandler going nuts in The Wedding Singer for the tone of the second half of that sentence). I feel like I should wrap up with something profound, but I can't think so I will just end now.

I Believe that the Burger King Blows

2005-04-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

Is anyone else pissed off about the new Burger King commercials? I find them to be extremely creepy and sort of upsetting. For those of you that are unaware the new Burger King commercials feature the Burger King (who looks like an incredibly disturbing life-size marionette) showing up at people's homes looking in their windows and offering them breakfast food, sometimes he appears in their bed. Stalker anyone??? They often end up laughing with 'the king' and consuming said breakfast items. Are these people fucking crazy? If a giant puppet showed up at my window the first thing in the morning I would scream bloody murder and call the local police station while searching for my sharpest and largest knife. I actually had a longer diatribe on these psycho commercials, but it accidentally got erased and I'm too tired to recreate my intense hatred for the Burger King. However, I will say this...I never thought that there would be a scarier fast food mascot than Ronald McDonald (man do I hate clowns!!!), but I was mistaken...The Burger King is the creepiest fast food mascot that I've ever had the displeasure to view.

If Procrastination was a Sport I'd be an Olympic Champion...if I Ever Got My Ass Out of the House

2005-04-05T01:18:00.000-07:00

I am often the lamest person ever. I made a list last night of all the things that I hoped to accomplish today (cause I'm a Virgo and relatively anal-retentive about many things, despite the fact that I'm a slob). Anyway, I made this list cause I'm going to wedding this weekend and today is my only day off before I leave so I have a number of things to get done. I pretty much accomplished one and a half of the the items on my list. The first thing that I did was call one of my bosses about career opportunities (that fact that she did not return my call is no fault of mine). Then I did 2 loads of laundry...however, I have at least 2 more that need to be done and I have dry cleaning that has needed to be taken in for several months now. The rest of the day was spent sitting on my ass, watching crappy television programs, talking on the phone and playing a computer card game which I still have yet to win. Why do I have zero motivation???

I still have to: purchase a gift for the wedding, send some gifts to friends, pay some bills, clean my place, get my oil changed, look for other jobs, redo my pedicure (it looks like ass cause my toes are all chipping and I can't redo it now cause I get sheet marks on nails when I do them before bed), and some other piddly shit that I don't even feel like listing. (Ah, laziness, my old friend, I'm even too lazy to list everything I didn't do today).

I don't know if I've mentioned my addiction to reality TV shows, but I did watch Next, Fear Factor, The Bachelor and Real World/Road Rules The Inferno II. Next is a new dating show on MTV where someone will start out dating someone and as soon as they get bored or pissed off or incredibly shallow they shout out next and get a new date. One guy seriously dumped this girl in the first 6 seconds, that's pretty damn harsh. The same guy dumped another girl cause her toes weren't painted (please note that my desire to redo my toes has nothing to do with this loser...it was on my list that I wrote last night). Anyway, it was mildy entertaining and something that I will probably watch in the future if nothing else is on. Fear Factor was typical...however, I really must question the sanity of the participants. I can understand wanting to do crazy things cause it's an adrenaline rush, but the eating of the foul items for $50,000 (before taxes) is just insane to me. Tonight the contestants had to drink a number of shots of blended maggots, stink bugs, worms and rotten fish eyeballs (I think)...the least number of shots of this disgusting blend was 20. Admittedly, I have a really sensitive stomach, but are you fucking kidding me with this??? I just can't imagine it being worth it. The Bachelor is like watching a train wreck...the girls invariably fight and get attached to this guy after meeting him twice. How attached can you get to someone if you know that he's kissing 10 other women on the same day that he made out with you??? This is a sign of a mimbo and you being on the show does not speak highly of you either...I just don't buy that most of these people are here for love, some probably are but most are probably starlets wanting to be discovered. Now on to Real World/Road Rules Inferno II...I love this show. I can't stop watching these challenges, for those of you that watch it can you believe that Beth was such a dumbass twit and decided to leave? There's a reason that her team hated her, she's a lame crazy jackass, I really hope that MTV stops inviting her on these things cause she sucks donkey balls. Also, CT seems like a person with zero compassion for anyone, it's just weird to me that he seems to be lacking in emotion...he's like the Terminator (not that I've seen the movie, but from what I can gather) of reality TV. Curious.

Anal Bleach, From Justin to Kelly, and Napoleon Dynamite

2005-04-02T00:20:00.000-08:00

I just hung out with Lisa, Trish, Kane & Jen (wassup guys?) and I had one of the best times I've had in recent memory. Thanks guys...my stomach still feels like I'm laughing.

Anyway, while we were all in the car the topic of anal bleach came up...I still don't remember how exactly this topic arose, but I seemed to have more information on this topic than anyone else. Where did this knowledge come from??? I swear it is not something that I have personal experience with and yet I seemed to be a font of information on a topic so random that I'm still in awe that it occurred. Does my brain have some weird filing system that classifies random and disgusting data so that I can recall it at a moment's notice and look like a closet freak? Why on earth is my brain holding onto to things like 'anal bleach' but completely dissolving useful information like the minimal amount of French I learned in high school? A mystery for the ages to be sure.

Moving on, although not necessarily in order of the title. We watched 'Napoleon Dynamite' (which I actually viewed for the first time last night with my friend Scott) and it was still unbelievably hilarious. I pray that it will be turned into a play and that one day I may take part in it. I don't think I'm ruining anything for anyone that hasn't seen it but I just have to say 'I caught you a delicious bass'. This movie is so random, but I laughed all the way through it, truly a masterpiece.

Now, to the other end of the spectrum: we also watched 'From Justin to Kelly' tonight. This movie is one of the shittiest films I have ever viewed, yet it was so bad that it caused us to laugh hard enough that I cried and my stomach is still hurting. I truly believe that this is a fantastic movie for a group of smartass friends to watch together. I had so much fun making fun of this movie that I almost want to own it (but I don't know if I can sit through it again). Also, and I swear this is true...there is a song entitled 'Pull It Out' (the title is a little reminiscent of 'Pumping and Blowing' from 'The Pirate Movie' (which is also a crappy movie, but is one of my favorites in every way, especially the dance at the end)). I digress, the extras on the DVD include bloopers which just show members of the cast laughing (but not letting the audience know why)...this stupid-ass film even had lame-ass extras (both the DVD type and the ones in the film...they are worth making fun of). The lack of chemistry between Justin and Kelly is also note-worthy...there's barely a scene in the movie where they're even looking at each other, much less touching. I cannot say enough to illustrate just how bad this movie is. If you have a strong stomach and a wicked tongue, you can have a lot of fun watching this steaming turd of a movie.

Random Thoughts...By the Way, Not Digging on the Titles

2005-03-30T21:49:00.000-08:00

Damn, I had a specific topic to discuss and now I can't remember a damn thing. OK, now I'm on the phone with my friend Lisa and I guess my topic for tonight is human nature. We were just discussing how stupid we all are...why, for example when someone tells you that something smells horrible, why do we feel the need to smell it as if they were lying and it was really a delicious thing that they wanted keep for themselves? We are total idiots.

I was in Macy's today (because I work there and I have no choice) and this woman walked in whose breasts were literally the size of cantelopes. If this occurred by nature I have no problem with this, but this woman had very obviously been surgically enhanced and was fake-baked and using a self-tanner (which just gave her skin a dirty look), she also had bleached out hair, over-collagened lips and came into the store drunk. What was going on in her life that made her think that this was a positive move? Why would you want to look like a pornstar? (Perhaps she was a pornstar) but it was totally bizarre. Her breasts looked like any sudden movement would cause them to explode. It really made me sad.

I'm getting maudlin, I don't know why. Perhaps just because today sucked. Some days I'm just so sick of being me. I'm unhappy at work and I can't figure out what I really want to do. It sucks to be thinking about how unhappy you are during most of your waking hours. I don't really feel like getting into it so here's a random thought...why isn't Silver Spoons in syndication?...I miss Thundercats too.

Be Gentle...It's My First Time

2005-03-23T00:00:00.000-08:00

I tried logging onto a specific blog and this website was so pushy that I ended up creating my own blog. I haven't yet decided whether or not this is a good thing, but I suppose time will tell.

Here's a mystery...I stay up every night to watch 'Family Guy' and 'Futurama' on Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network, however, I have the entire series of 'Family Guy' on DVD and because there aren't that many seasons I've seen every episode at least 3 times. (I also own season 1 of 'Futurama' on DVD...yet I feel the need to watch these programs over and over again.) Is this some type of rare psychosis or have I been brainwashed by Adult Swim or (and this is the most likely option)...am I just a complete idiot? I'm pretty sure that I know the answer to this, yet it's addictive and I feel unable to turn the TV off before 1 am on every weeknight. In fact, 'Family Guy' is on right now...it's like heroine.